It came about one day when my son came to me with fire in his eyes. Angry and looking for justice, he raved to me about how his sister had wronged him. Tears streamed from his eyes. His face turned red and blotchy.
I knew that feeling.
I hate that feeling.
I fail regularly because of that feeling.
Life wasn't going according to plan. He was angry because his sister hadn't met his expectations. Instead of loving him like she should, she loved herself. I have a hard time dealing with this as an adult. How could I help him work through his anger when I fail so often myself?
For once I thought to pray before opening my mouth to solve the issue in my own wisdom: "God what can I do to help him make it through this without developing an anger issue?"
Me: "J, why are you so mad?"
J: "Because she _____________."
Me: "And how did that make you feel?"
J: "Like GARBAGE!!!"
Me: "Sissy, why did you __________?"
Sissy: "Because I did."
Me: "You made your brother feel like garbage. Is he garbage?"
Sissy: "No."
Me: "What is he?"
Sissy: "Treasure."
Me: "Then you need to tell that to your brother."
Sissy: "I'm sorry J. You're not garbage; you're treasure."
The IMMEDIATE change in his demeanor, his face, his posture, his eyes was astonishing! He smiled, gave her a hug, and they went off to play trying to out nice each other! She was also given instruction on how to right the wrong she had done.
I was SHOCKED! I didn't have to make them pretend to like each other afterward.
The murder in his eyes was because his sister made him feel like garbage not so much that she had wronged him. Who knew? (Well, God obviously, or he wouldn't have prompted those particular questions to mind--I surely would not have thought of them on my own, I had no idea how to deal with anger issues.)
This is now how we apologize around our house. No more generic "Say your sorry and play nice." It is almost impossible to "play nice" when you feel like the other person deserves to feel just as bad as they made you feel.
I am continually amazed by the difference in how their attitudes and treatment of each other have improved. Not only is the short-term argument better, but they seem to be more aware of how their actions make the other person feel. This has had long-term positive outcome in our home.
One day after a particularly bad fight I made them apologize: "I'm sorry. You're not garbage; you're treasure," followed by righting the wrong. I didn't think it would help this time-- Feelings were hurt too deeply; the apology was forced; I even think there was an eye roll in there somewhere.
I went to check on them a few minutes later just to make sure they hadn't killed each other, and this is what I found:
In my lifetime I have so often failed to realize the reason for the boiling emotions inside my gut are not due so much because of the injustice against me, but rather because the other person devalued me. The more aware I become of this, the easier it is to diffuse. I know better what wire to cut inside by ball of emotions. The more aware I am that my value was set by the price Christ paid for me on the cross, the less often my fuse is lit in the first place. It is more difficult for humans to make me feel devalued if my value isn't dependent on them in the first place.
It is like turning a barge. Our family is changing. "You are not garbage; you're treasure." We are starting to live that way BEFORE an apology is needed instead of afterward. We're not totally there. Yet, I feel like with continued prayer and focus it can be done.
I pray this helps you as much as it has helped us.
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