A New Kind of Apology!

Let me start by saying I don't have everything figured out as a parent.  I would love to learn how to get my kids not to fight in the first place. However, I did want to share something with you that has been working in my house to keep the whole day from being ruined by a fight.

It came about one day when my son came to me with fire in his eyes.  Angry and looking for justice, he raved to me about how his sister had wronged him.  Tears streamed from his eyes.   His face turned red and blotchy.

I knew that feeling.

I hate that feeling.

I fail regularly because of that feeling.

Life wasn't going according to plan.  He was angry because his sister hadn't met his expectations. Instead of loving him like she should, she loved herself.  I have a hard time dealing with this as an adult. How could I help him work through his anger when I fail so often myself?

For once I thought to pray before opening my mouth to solve the issue in my own wisdom: "God what can I do to help him make it through this without developing an anger issue?" 

Me: "J, why are you so mad?"

J:  "Because she _____________."

Me: "And how did that make you feel?"

J:  "Like GARBAGE!!!"

Me: "Sissy, why did you __________?"

Sissy:  "Because I did."

Me: "You made your brother feel like garbage.  Is he garbage?"

Sissy:  "No."

Me:  "What is he?"

Sissy: "Treasure."

Me: "Then you need to tell that to your brother."

Sissy: "I'm sorry J.  You're not garbage; you're treasure."

The IMMEDIATE change in his demeanor, his face, his posture, his eyes was astonishing!  He smiled, gave her a hug, and they went off to play trying to out nice each other!  She was also given instruction on how to right the wrong she had done.

I was SHOCKED!  I didn't have to make them pretend to like each other afterward.

The murder in his eyes was because his sister made him feel like garbage not so much that she had wronged him.  Who knew?  (Well, God obviously, or he wouldn't have prompted those particular questions to mind--I surely would not have thought of them on my own, I had no idea how to deal with anger issues.)

This is now how we apologize around our house. No more generic "Say your sorry and play nice." It is almost impossible to "play nice" when you feel like the other person deserves to feel just as bad as they made you feel.

I am continually amazed by the difference in how their attitudes and treatment of each other have improved.  Not only is the short-term argument better, but they seem to be more aware of how their actions make the other person feel.  This has had long-term positive outcome in our home.

One day after a particularly bad fight I made them apologize: "I'm sorry.  You're not garbage; you're treasure," followed by righting the wrong.  I didn't think it would help this time--  Feelings were hurt too deeply; the apology was forced; I even think there was an eye roll in there somewhere.  

I went to check on them a few minutes later just to make sure they hadn't killed each other, and this is what I found:

Two kids snuggled up in the chair, watching cartoons, and holding hands.  I cried.  I'm not ashamed to say so.  How did this miracle happen?

In my lifetime I have so often failed to realize the reason for the boiling emotions inside my gut are not due so much because of the injustice against me, but rather because the other person devalued me.  The more aware I become of this, the easier it is to diffuse.  I know better what wire to cut inside by ball of emotions.  The more aware I am that my value was set by the price Christ paid for me on the cross, the less often my fuse is lit in the first place. It is more difficult for humans to make me feel devalued if my value isn't dependent on them in the first place.

It is like turning a barge.  Our family is changing.  "You are not garbage; you're treasure." We are starting to live that way BEFORE an apology is needed instead of afterward. We're not totally there. Yet, I feel like with continued prayer and focus it can be done.

I pray this helps you as much as it has helped us.

"Guilt" is a lie meant to get you to quit before finding your true destiny.

Wrote this to a friend then thought more than just that person may want to read it:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...I wish I had someone to tell me the truth when I was your age. Maybe I wouldn't have wasted so much time or guilt on a lie.

So here goes:

If you are addicted to a behavior that you hate, it is impossible to change unless you analyze why you like it. What does your inner self use it for?  Whether sexual, substance, food or any other addiction, it isn't just the chemical addiction that controls you. There are ways to help overcome the chemical aspect, but still we tend to return to the issue.  Rather, even after the chemical link is broken, it is the feelings that behavior gives you which control your behavior. Doing them makes you feel, powerful, happy, secure, valuable or whatever...for a moment. The problem with satisfying these feelings outside of God is that the feeling is fleeting. You only feel happy or powerful WHILE you are doing them. Therefore, you begin needing to do them all the time. You get suck into doing the thing that you hate because it gives you a momentary satisfaction of a legitimate need.

You were created to live "Life Abundantly." Your natural state is happy, powerful and secure. These things are true; they are your destiny. They are not an illusion. However, they must be acquired in a manner that satisfies permanently in order to bring us into the balanced state in which we no longer need to strive for them. When we are whole, those feelings pour out of us.  "They are" because "we are."  They are no longer produced by a state of doing, but a state of being.  The key to this state of being is your relation to "I AM."  It is when you find this natural state of being in relationship with THE "Being" that you will feel whole.

You were created in the image of God to rule the world by Love. [Gen 1: 26, Rev 22: 4&5, Matt 20: 24-28] You can only truly rule the world when you are a reflection of love.  You can only reflect Him exactly of you know the True Him.  Not just what you've heard about Him, but what you have seen for yourself.  Reflecting the Source is a matter of relationship. Relationship is not a matter of who serves whom; it is a matter of knowing and being known. You must get to know the Character of the One in whom you are supposed to trust. It cannot be just from listening to what other people say about Him. YOU must get to know Him for yourself. Your guilt feelings can be a catalyst to drive you to seek Him for who He is, or they can make you want to hide from Him. Your Adversary is the one screaming for you to hide. The Holy Spirit on the other hand is trying to help you admit the problem so you can work through the process of forgiveness.

It is true that all have fallen short of being an exact reflection of who He is.  However, your value isn't based on what you do.  It is based on the fact that you are.  You are a human; therefore, you are priceless treasure.  Your value was declared when God traded the life of His Own Son to buy you back from the consequences of the "Law." It is based on the fact that He paid for your ticket, not whether you have cashed it in.  Each human's worth has been set at the exact same as EVERY other human without regard to color, creed, or capabilities.  The whole world changes when we realize that EVERY human is worth the same as you, has been loved the same as you.  He died for them just as much as He did for you.  They act the way they do because they are trying to satisfy the same needs as you--needs like love, joy and peace.  "They" are not worth more than you, nor are "they" worth less than you.  It is easy to have mercy and compassion on them when we realize that we are all equal.  You are not the sum of your actions and neither are they.  We are all valuable because we "are."

The tool that helped me get to know the Character of God the best was "The Daily Bible" by F. LaGard Smith. It is arranged in chronological order so you could see the progression of God's actions and reactions toward people. If you want one I will buy it for you and send it to your house.  It's only about $15 on CBD.com.  My favorite version for this type of endeavor is the NIV because I can read it fast with comprehension.  I can get the big picture in a short period of time.  I still use the other versions for study.  (The NIV version of "The Daily Bible" also has the best background info for each section.  It gives historical context, etc.  I liked it better than the NLT "Daily Bible" that I tried.)

The character trait that changed all of my understanding of God is Love. His macro image is Love and, His micro image is love.  Like a fractle pattern, He is the same near as he is far.  He loves unconditionally and completely. He loves His enemies as well as his friends. He loves without regard to status, merit, or need. He loves regardless of whether we reciprocate. Our value to Him is fixed.  It's not dependent on our actions; it is based on our being. We are.  Therefore, as His creation, we are loved.  In a human way of thinking this is irrational.  In a heavenly way of thinking this is reality.

What we see as "Justice" is based on the fact that He loves both victims and offenders. When victims do not have anyone to defend them, God will come to their defense. Some call this "wrath" aimed at offenders.  Yet, defending the defenseless is what humans were supposed to do.  That is His first choice and He will give us a chance to do it before He steps in [Is. 59:15-17]. What we see as "inaction" is love for offenders. He does not desire to crush anyone [Ez. 18:21]. He will give everyone the chance to quit being selfish and learn be Love [2 Pet. 3:9].  However, in the end, it is our choice to love ourselves or love others that determines our consequences.  The Law of God has set a predetermined consequence.   It is in our power to "chose this day...life or death."  He has provided the means, the motive and the opportunity to choose life.  Trust Him.  Let go of Self.  And Live.

So, if you feel that the only way to change the behavior you hate is to chain yourself up, remember that Jesus came to set the captive free. He came to empower you to live free by choice. He came to set you free from the power of sin and the imprisonment from the "Law." [See Galatians.] You are intended to be an Heir of the Kingdom of God, living powerfully and on purpose as a result of who you are in your heart. Nothing less will satisfy you long term. Love, True Love, is all that there is. He is all that you need. You living in the image of Love is you living for real. In order to get from where you are now to where you want to be, you must get to know Him personally. His Love will change you from the inside out.  If you trust His character then you are predestined to transform into the image of Him.  NOT the other way around.  It is as easy to live the "Christian" life as it is to save yourself.  Stop trying; "Be."  You can only be as a result of relationship with "I AM."




This is an example of a fractle:   

Easter cookie recipe.

Recently (what seems like yesterday and a lifetime ago) I moved 700 miles away from almost everyone I know and love.  One of the things that has made the move less traumatic is our wonderful neighbors.  The grumpy but sweet, nosy, old fella and his compensatory wife remind me of home.  I adore them.  The other couple is only a bit older than us with a little girl between the ages of my oldest and second.  On Easter last year she made these wonderful cookies and sent them down to my kids (my husband ate more than they did, I'm sure.)  They are like sweet puffed air whose ephemeral delight was captured into a crisp, white stasis. They melt back into yumminess when you take a bite.  She was kind enough to share her recipe.  If I did Pintrest, I would pin it; but my life is too absorbed by electronics as it is so I stay away from there!  I think the idea of telling the story while spending time in the kitchen with kids is wonderful, but the cookies are better than any cookie I've ever had and worth making every day of the year!  (And that's saying something from a recovering sugar addict!)

Easter Story Cookies Recipe

To be made the
evening before Easter

You need:
1 cup whole pecans
1 tsp. vinegar
3 egg whites
Pinch of salt
1 cup sugar
Wooden spoon, tape, and a Bible

Preheat oven to 300* F (This is important-don’t wait until you’re half done with the recipe!)

Place pecans in a zipper baggie and let children use the
wooden spoon to break them into small pieces. 
Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was beaten by the Roman
soldiers.  He gave Himself to be broken for us.  (Read John 19:1-3)

Let each child smell the vinegar.  Put 1 tsp. vinegar into the mixing bowl.  Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.  (Read John 19:28-30)

Add egg whites to the vinegar.  Eggs represent life.  Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us
life.  (Read John 10:10-11)

Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand.  Let them taste it.  Put a pinch of salt into the bowl.  Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers and the bitterness of our own sin.  (Read Luke 23:27)

So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing.  Add 1 cup sugar.  Explain that the sweetest part of the story
is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him. (Read Ps. 34:8 and John 3:16)

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed.  Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.  (Read Isa. 1:18 and John 3:1-3)

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet.  Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid. (Read Matt. 27:56-60)

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF.  Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door.  Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed.  (Read Matt. 27:65-66)

Go to bed!  Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.  (Read John 16:20 and 22)

On Easter morning, open up the oven and give everyone a cookie.  Notice the cracked surface and take a bite.  The cookies are hollow!  On the first Easter, Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty!  (Read Matt. 28:1-9)

15 Minutes with a Stranger.

Last night while wandering about Target looking for birthday presents for my now two year old, I got a phone call.  The area code was unfamiliar--817.  It turned out to be an elderly woman from Fort Worth, TX trying to get a hold of someone in my old town.  As it turns out her sister would have lived about a mile from my old house.

She was a bit flustered about how she could have dialed the wrong number and needed me to explain exactly who I was, how I got this phone number, and why the lady from information gave her my number instead of her sister's number.  "Those people at information must hate me!" she said.  It was obvious from her voice that she was a feisty ol' lady.

It was an enlightening conversation.  Rather than be rude in return, I chuckled and gave her the information she was looking for. In return she told me about the good old days, her family, and a few recent experiences including a theft of her credit information. (She wanted to "skin that lady alive.")  Ms. Ratliff's husband had died when her children were 7 and 11. She had gone to college, "made a nurse," and worked her whole life until she retired at 71.  It turned out to be a good little chat. 

The dialog lasted from the purse section, to the shoes, to the baby clothes section--about 15 minutes in all.  She told me life was hard; I should enjoy what I can and hug my children for her--especially that red haired one. (Apparently, Ms. Ratliff is in the red-haired club too.) Enjoy every minute with them.  Her son had passed away years ago.  She was 91 years old and according to her "too mean to die like every one else."  

Time is a valuable thing.  I wasted 15 minutes of mine with an old lady I didn't know.  She said, "It's the nicest anyone's been to me in a long time."  Her day was brighter and by the end of it she wasn't so grumpy.  It made me long that much more to put my arms around my own Granny.  How I miss her!  Time.  Am I wasting it on what is important or investing in things with no lasting return?

I don't blame the people around her for being grumpy in response to her on a daily basis, she is obviously a hard character to manage at times.  However, it was amazing the transformation in her attitude in just a few moments when I didn't return her rudeness. 

Most "difficult" people use their grumpiness to protect themselves.  It's their coping mechanism. If you prove to be someone who will love them anyway, someone they don't have to protect themselves against, you will find them to be rarely prickly with you because they don't need their defenses with you.  On the rare occasion they are, don't take anything personally and dish back in a jovial way. They do not define our worth anyway. Laugh off the silly things they play up as big drama instead of falling into the trap they set to watch you blow your top.  And, as often as possible smile, and stand up for the people they mock--I've never meet a Grumpy who didn't appreciate that. Then, it is fun to have a relationship with a former prickly person.

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

Now, if I could just manage this with the people who live in my own home.  It is difficult to continuously answer gently when my small people start an exasperated tone--again.  It is excruciating to try to bite my tongue when my husband says something that makes me feel defensive.  Yet, if it comes so easily with a perfect stranger, why do I have such a hard time with my own tribe.  I will be mulling that one over today as we plant the garden.  

While shopping for my Dad for Father's Day, I came across a "widow's mite" on Amazon. I found it very interesting that the coin in a case with a few words added was $50. Other Roman era coins are available for about $1 each. The coin was originally worth less than a penny from what I understand. I think that it's amazing that not only did Jesus say that her offering was worth more than monetarily greater donations because of the sacrifice that it took for her to give it, but her simple act of giving exponentially increased the value of the thing she offered as well.

Sure, you can look at this with a cynical eye and say that just proves how gullible Christians are. But, I think that misses the point of why the coin is so much more valuable than others of the era. A strictly capitalist view of it still proves one lady's act can increase value and demand for what was once thought of as almost worthless.
http://www.amazon.com/Widows-Mite-Ancient-Deluxe-Portfolio/dp/B00HUJPV62/ref=sr_1_6?s=collectibles&ie=UTF8&qid=1400643994&sr=1-6&keywords=ancient+coins

Who sends the rain where no one lives?

Okay, let's dive into God's answer from the Book of Job!  Whoo hoo!  

Let me per-requisite this post with: If you haven't read Job lately, and everything you know about him you learned in Sunday school; you will freak out about what I'm going to say.  It might be helpful to go back and read through Job quickly to get the big picture.  Job and his friends had to "repent in dust and ashes" for what they believed about God.  This is a clue that everything they had to say about Him wasn't golden.  Job persevered through his questions, depression, and frustration until his saw God for himself.  There's more on this if you read chapter 3 of "Lessons from Dinosaurs and Dragons."  You can find a link to it in my blog post entitled "In the Land of Uz."


Now on to the good stuff!  There is a reason God uses questions instead of statements.  It is one of the best ways to get us to change our minds.  Humans are stubborn; when we think we're right, it is difficult to change our minds.  He is getting us to challenge our own long held beliefs about Him.  He's getting us to think, to come to the truth.  He is "instructing with questioning."  It is a tactic He uses throughout the Bible.  We can avoid some of our combativeness by not entering into a yes/no war, but instead opening our minds to think about why we believe what we believe.  Is it based on fact, or "what we've always known since the time of our fathers"?

In His answer to Job, you will hear many questions that sound something like this:  "How do you know this is the way it works?  Were you there?  Have you done it like that before?"  He isn't necessarily making a statement like "This is how it works."  In fact, most of his questions directly address a statement Job or his friends used to "prove" God zaps and blesses based on behavior.

Job and his friends held the common theology of their era that God is "The Almighty" El Shaddi.  He is the giver of life and the destroyer of it.  Life is a series of "you reap what you sow."  God's relationship to us is simply based on our behavior.  If you do good, God loves you.  If you do bad, God hates you.  (El Shaddi is a true name of God; we will see later how the name El Shaddi fits in the picture of a loving and merciful God.) 
 

For example, in chapter 12 Job says:

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?   In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.”  [NIV]

   Job says we can ask the animals and birds to teach us about how God deals with His creation.  Chapter 26 of Job has many more things Job thinks are proof of the way God deals with His creation listed: water, sea, sky, clouds, the horizon, pillars of the heavens, and even the moon.

God begins his answer directly addressing these phenomena.  God questions if Job and his friends have interpreted God's motives correctly.

Does Job really know how and why things work?  Does he have the wisdom of God?  Let’s look at what types of questions God started out asking:

Were you there at creation?               Job’s internal answer would have to be, no.

Do you know why the sea behaves like it does?                               The answer?  No.

Do you know how the sun rises each morning?                                           Answer: No.

Do you know how the earth’s crust got its shape?                                                    No.

So, do you know how I handle the wicked?  I thought I did till you put it like that.

Do you know the secrets of death and the dark places?                                        No.

“If you know everything there is to know on earth let’s hear it.”

Can you tell me where light and dark come from since you’re so wise and aged? 

                                                                                                                                                    No.

Job quickly remembered that being the wisest, greatest man in all the East didn’t mean that he knew all there was to know.  While he and his friends thought they had it all worked out, they really knew so little of how things actually work.

The next little bit is interesting. Before we read it, let’s look back to 37: 9-13.  Elihu says, 

         

     “The tempest comes out from its chamber, the cold from the driving winds.  The

       breath of God produces ice, and the broad waters become frozen.  He loads

      the clouds with moisture; he scatters his lightning through them.  At his direction

      they swirl around over the face of the whole earth to do whatever he

      commands them.  He brings the clouds to punish people, or to water his earth

      and show his love.” [NIV]   

This is a great description of the immense storms Job would have experienced during the ice age following the Great Flood.  This is how Job and his friends believed God dealt with the earth.  Bad=spanking.  Good=love and blessing.  The same basic thing is said throughout Job.  God asks how they know this is true.

 

Have you been to the place where I store all this pent up judgment you’ve been describing? 

Job’s answer would again have to be no.  In fact, there’s no such thing as a storehouse for snow or hail—Job could never have seen it.  The implication is that since Job doesn’t know how everything else works he may not understand how judgment works either.  In fact, he’s very wrong.

Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no one lives, an uninhabited desert, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass? [NIV]

What an astounding question?  It must have felt like an explosion in his brain!  Contrast what God said with what Elihu said.  Elihu claims that God waters the earth to zap or to bless, to punish or to show love.  If God does what He does simply for reward and punishment, then why does He bless a land where there isn’t a soul to incur reward or punishment?  Why does he "satisfy" and nourish a land where no one lives?  Here we can see the contrast between the human assumption at the time and what God was trying to show them.

Why does it rain in an uninhabited wasteland?  Job did not know.  

 

Her Hands

I'm not one of those weepy people.  I didn't cry when I went away to camp or anything.  My Mom tells a story of how my first day of pre-school all the other kids were clinging to their parents and crying.  I waved and ran to the toy box, “See you later.”  I deal with things as they are and make the best of what I have.  So, walking into church yesterday surprised me.  

Due to Mother’s Day, there was a bit of waiting to drop the kids off in their classes.  I arrived in the auditorium just after the music started.  Everyone was already standing and singing.  There was a beautiful lady sitting in front of the row I rushed to settle into.  You could tell her feeble frame would not have been able to stand through the whole song.

Just as I walked up she rested her hand on the armrest.  It was one of those hands that you knew had worked hard its whole life.  A little swollen from arthritis with thin skin showing blue veins, it matched the one clinging to the woman next to her.  They were talking incessantly in a loud almost whisper.  Her hearing was obviously not what it used to be, but her laughter was still clear and bright.

The sight of that sweet, old hand caught me off guard.  It was one of those moments in the movies were the camera zooms down on one thing, everything else disappears, and the narrator starts talking.  I inhaled sharply; tears stung my eyes and instantly rolled down my cheeks.  I spent the song weeping quietly in my seat hoping no one noticed.  How I missed my own Granny and Mother today!  I would love to have Granny’s sweet hands to pat my face and hug my neck.

I tried to get it under control by looking away from those hands and focusing on the lyrics displayed on the screen.  “You are not alone.  You are not alone.”  Well, that just made me sob all the harder.  My God already knew I would be missing wrapping my arms around the neck of my Granny today.  He 

knew I’d be missing my Momma.  Whatever the rest of the song, the message I heard the Narrator say was "I love you, Honey, and I have perfect timing.  I am with you always even to the end of the age."

I am 700 miles away, but I am not alone.