Something happened this morning that I believe illustrates
God’s plan of forgiveness: My oldest hit
her little brother. Now, I’m not
pointing out this event as if it is something new around here. But it did strike me to the heart of the
matter.
Much of the way God
tells us to conduct our own homes is meant to be a reflection of the Kingdom of
God. When we fight and harm our brothers
and sisters in the human race, we hurt His heart in the same way that it tears
me up to hear my children bickering and fighting. Instead, we are supposed to love each other.
Brothers and sisters fight—both siblings and humans. We all assume this is normal behavior. Each one wants what is best for themselves
and is willing to take it by force if necessary. Yet, this is not supposed to be so in the
Kingdom of Heaven. We are each to be
looking out for the best interest of others.
It takes a great deal of maturing to get past fighting and learn to make
peace.
The real question we should be asking is not “Will they
fight?” but “Why.”
“Honey, why did
you hit your brother?”
“I asked him to stop, and he wouldn’t!” (He did not meet my reasonable expectation of
making me feel comfortable.)
“And so, you took it on yourself to provide the consequences
for that?”
“YES!” (in a self-justified tone.)
“No, that is not okay.
You do not have the authority to give consequences.”
When that last sentence fell out of my mouth, a light bulb
went off: I am required to forgive my
fellow man because I do not have the authority over them to meter out
consequences.
As a citizen of the Kingdom of God, all of my authority, such
as it is, is given to me by God. No
more, no less. God says that the
greatest (the one with the highest authority) in the Kingdom of God is the one
who is the servant of all (looking out for the best interest of the most people.)
[Matt 20: 25-27 is among many examples that could be cited.] You might say, I have authority to the extent
that a have people I care for. God loves
every human. He delegates authority to
us to care for His loved ones only to the extent that we actually care for
them. Those who “laud” their authority over
their subjects will pay the consequences for it. They are following the precedent of the
Kingdom of this World, not the Kingdom of Heaven where even the King of all is
a servant—the Greatest Servant. [Phil. 2, etc.]
We seem to have confused the meanings of the words King and
Servant. We assume that as a king
everyone must do what we want, when we want, to suit our good pleasure. Likewise, servants are nothing but lowly
garbage meant to fulfill the wishes of their betters. That is ONLY true in the Kingdom of this
World!
In the Kingdom of God the rulers are just, and kind, and
humble. They love their subjects and do
what is best for them—even the hard things.
This is what is meant by being a public servant. It does not mean that the authority is a
slave to the whim of the subject.
One of the goals is to set the subjects free from being controlled
by selfishness and bring them into the freedom of love, joy and peace. This is a maturing process both for children
and citizens of the Kingdom of God. Then,
they themselves will be able to care for the best interest of others and become
endowed as governors on God’s behalf.
Now, I can understand my oldest being a little
confused. You might say that in the Kingdom
of our House, she is the greatest of the subjects. In many ways she has authority over the other
children. She helps me with them every
day. She doesn’t need to be prompted to
help but voluntarily sees a problem and jumps right in to find a good
solution. I’m proud of her for the way
she lives out her confession of love for her parents.
Yet, her authority is only in a limited capacity at this
level of maturity. As soon as her goals
do not line up with the authority of the household, her authority no longer
exists. That’s because her authority isn’t
a blank check to do whatever she wants; it is to care for those under her
authority.
In fact, because I see how willing she is to help, I
purposefully dismiss her from her obligations and often do her chores. I want her to play and have fun sometimes
without thinking of responsibility as a chore.
I want her to know she is valuable to me aside from the things she does
to help. I want a relationship with her,
not a slave.
However, does this close relationship to the ultimate
authority give her the right to mediate consequences to her siblings? No!
What should she do? First, she/they
should try to work out a good solution among themselves. Secondly, if they cannot come to an
agreement, then they may appeal to me for justice.
It is easy as a parent
to lump all such appeals into the category of “tattle-tailing.” Sometimes it is. However, children must know that they have an
authority that will provide justice, or they will seek it for themselves. Ask my sister; sometimes that will lead to a
black eye. It is a fine line to walk
between teaching them to work things out together and when to seek the justice
only an authority can provide. Working
things out is always the best option for them; they don’t always like the
solution that I provide.
I also think it is important to provide them with the tools
they need in order to find those good solutions. It is impossible for an immature person to
come up with a good solution on their own.
We often say, “Just go play nicely,” or “Go work it out on your own,” or
simply “I don’t want to hear it; stop fighting or else!” This dismissal of their reality is confusing
for them. Do they go punch their brother until he submits, or do they seek a higher authority? We are sending mixed messages.
Instead, we can offer guidelines for appealing to the judge. This is especially important when playing with friends or when mommy is truly busy. Appeals are not appropriate in the form of, "Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!" (Unless you have to pee, right now!) Rather, the whole process is done in a respectful manner. Pitching a fit will not get you what you want no matter how right you are or how badly I want to give it to you.
When we dismiss their appeals for justice lightly, we miss the opportunity to teach
justice on a small scale that makes it easier to help them understand the reality
of true justice later on. Sometimes learning justice is simply a matter of learning the world does not revolve around you; sometimes that takes a bigger effort on our part than, "Go play nice." We need to discern which action is appropriate at the time.
Children don’t naturally have an intuition that tells them
what true justice is; they are only thinking about what would make them feel
comfortable at the time. They need to be
armed with tools like proper expectations, love, words to use, the ability for
introspection, critical thinking, and an understanding of justice. They also need to be provided the opportunity
to fail in the safe environment of our home where we can help them pick up the pieces. This means time for them to work it out without us micro-managing their every interaction with each other, as well as for us to expect only what
their maturity can accomplish.
True justice takes introspection, critical thinking, and
understanding. None of these are within
the ability of a toddler or small child.
Yet, each fight they are involved in demands justice. While they are too small to make a decision
for themselves, we must model justice for them.
We can do this in the same way that we teach them other abstract nouns
like colors and feelings—by repeated example.
We may expect a two to act like a two year old, but we are teaching them
to move past that level of maturity into a new one. It is often hard for children to mature past bickering with each other if they are not taught the tools they need in order to work things out on their own.
In order to model the process of introspection, ask them why
they chose to do what they did. “Why did
you hit your brother?” They usually did
not ask themselves this question, but acted immediately out of their unprocessed
emotion. Most often the question is answered, “I don’t
know,” or “because he…” The next
question of introspection is: Why does this offend you?
I was 25 years old before I learned this lesson. Sad, I know.
I always thought I had an anger issue passed down to me from generations
past. What I learned is I didn’t have
the tools to understand what the real problem was. I didn’t know to exercise introspection to
find the root cause of my offense. I
felt emotion; I acted on emotion. It
still happens once in awhile, but less often now that I’ve been trying to practice
introspection. In the past introspection
has always come after the explosion. The
answer has been the same enough times now that I can often recognize the problem
before acting unruly. (*This is by no means a
claim to perfection in this matter, only progress.)
Once the root cause of offense is found, it can be
determined if it is just or not. This
takes a little critical thinking: “Are
you being loving or selfish?” or “Are they breaking the law?” “Did your verbal offense instigate his
physical breech of conduct?” “Were you negligent?”
Very often the answer is yes—to all of
it. Then the sorting begins. Who did not meet the expectations of their
role and how can it be rectified.
If you ask a child older than five they can usually
determine the truth about their motives.
It is usually rooted in selfishness. "I wanted..." They hate to admit what they have been trying to justify is really them being selfish! Usually at this point the problem is solved
and both parties can withdraw their accusation and come to an agreement on their
own.
Of course first, both parties usually have something to apologize for. Around here it sounds something like this, "I'm sorry for _________. I didn't mean to make you feel like garbage. You are not garbage; you are treasure. And, I'm sorry God for treating your treasure like garbage. I'm sorry Momma for treating your treasure like garbage; I didn't mean to break your heart." (You'd be surprised at how the tension melts when the offended one hears that they are not viewed as garbage--even though they know it's part of the expected minimum apology! The subsequent enthusiasm for finding good solutions together always surprises me. What a second ago was all out war, ends skipping away together to find something to share. That's because the true offense was not that you wouldn't do what I wanted, but rather your disrespect of me made me feel like garbage.)
It was a difficult day when I came to the realization about
my own explosive reactions—especially toward my small children. “STOP FIGHTING YOU ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!” My expectation was selfish. I expected a 4 year old and a 2 year old to
handle their emotions over being discomforted when I was reacting in the same
manner over my discomfort. I have to get
a handle on my own expectations and my own motives before I can even begin to
confront theirs with any degree of justice.
It has been a long, slow process of learning how to bring
about justice in my own home (a process that isn't finished.) Yet, our
home is meant to be a model so that these children can more easily grasp the Kingdom
of God. This morning it struck me that
while over the last years I have been attempting to adhere to God’s model,
there is even more to it than I’d previously correlated.
My oldest thought she had a right to hit her brother since
he “broke the Law” of our household.
This is exactly the problem we children of God have toward each
other. We look at the way our “brother”
has offended and attempt to meter out consequences. This is not justice; this is vengeance.
Why? It sounds
good? Retribution is justice,
right? They broke the Law of Love didn’t
they? They deserve consequences.
Well, the problem with my oldest avenging herself against
her brother is that she has no authority in our household to give consequences. If she desires justice in a matter that they
cannot work out among themselves, she must appeal to a higher authority, namely
a parent.
In the same manner, we as humans must not seek retribution,
but seek a higher authority. In some
cases, that literally includes the powers that be: cops, judges, and juries. But in most cases, it is simply our Father in
Heaven.
He sees. He knows the
truth about the matter. He knows their
motives. He knows the outcome. He knows whether consequences or mercy is the
proper response. He knows if our offense
is merely due to our own selfish expectations.
He knows whether to act or not to act.
He knows what action. He knows to
what extent to take the consequences.
That is what forgiveness is.
Releasing my offender from my retribution and putting their offense
under the jurisdiction of the One who truly has authority. It involves releasing the lie that because they made us feel like garbage, this is what we are. By trusting God to love both my offender and
myself, I know that justice will be served.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that nothing ever happened or that it wasn’t
offensive. It only recognizes that I am
a child and my offender is a child. I
cannot hit my brother. If we cannot work
it out amongst ourselves, I must appeal to a higher Authority, namely my Parent,
God.
He does not need to do the query that I as a parent need to
do in order to get down to the heart of the matter. He can produce the proper consequences that
are needed without it. However, He would
prefer that we work it out amongst ourselves.
He also wants us to learn the process of understanding justice. Almost every time the Bible records God
confronting sin, He does so by taking His subject through the process of
introspection. It starts with questions
like, “Adam, where are you?” Duh, God
knew where Adam was; it was a gentle beginning to arriving at the truth of the
matter.
My role in resolving the matter is not giving my brother
consequences. Rather, it is
making amends where possible, introspection, critical thinking, understanding justice, and trust in my Authority. I need to handle my part and let my Father
handle His. The difference between my
children’s situation and my own is that God is always just; I am learning as I
go.
